Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
