i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
