I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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