seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
