the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
