i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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