i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
