It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
