How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
