wanna go halves on a baby?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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