i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
