I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
