Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
