Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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