I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
