I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
