Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
