Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
