The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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