I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
