The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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