wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
