I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
