I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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