so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
