Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
