Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
