I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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