I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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