Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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