someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
