It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
