Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
