I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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