I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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