the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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