i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
