Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
