legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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