Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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