Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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