You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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