How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
