Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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