ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
