I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
