I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
