Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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