Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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