Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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