There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
