I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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