I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
